Detroit writers don't respect MSU

Columnists always write through prism of Michigan

November 5, 2008
Patrick Walters, Columnist for NOISE - Lansing State Journal


This will begin with a heartfelt-if-reactionary rant against Detroit newspaper columnists.

If you get your news from the Detroit newspapers, it hasn't been a pleasant past fortnight to read about MSU football. And yes, I'm referring to both of you who still get your news like that.

Granted, it's not on the scale of 2002 or anything like that, when the national types wagged fingers and even the surprisingly-still-alive Beano Cook registered his thoughts, but it's unpleasant to the extent that the Detroit newspaper columnists have been opining on the Spartans with alarming consistency.

This, as anyone who has followed the Spartans with any modicum of interest in the past few years knows, is always a complete disaster. (Yes, I'm building up to Rob Parker and Drew Sharp, so don't be disappointed if they're not in the next few paragraphs. Foreplay is important. Patience.)

You see, when the Detroit columnist comes up to East Lansing, it's only for one of three reasons: the Spartans are winning, the Spartans are playing Michigan in football or basketball, or the Spartans/coach stand on the precipice of some kind of accomplishment, which is really just a philosophical extension of the first reason.

And, because said columnist comes from the Detroit papers, he or she is under the obligation to view the Spartans through the prism of the Wolverines, because Michigan is CLEARLY the only major university in the state, and people in the Detroit area are clearly only interested in reading nine different ways about how the Wolverines somehow still have value this season.

So, you know, if you ever need to know how Michigan State is doing, by all means pick up a Free Press or News and see if the Detroit columnists have deemed it OK for anyone to watch anything but the Wolverines. Because it's with their blessing, you see, that the Spartans get their sense of self worth.

Weak analysis

I guess I could go on, but sarcasm can only take you so far and NOISE won't let me use the F-word as much as I enjoy using it. So that said, my thesis: F--- the Detroit columnists.

You, Detroit columnists, cannot offer a unique context to Michigan State, because you visit thrice yearly. You cannot provide insight, because you are all either so entranced with your own ego that you dabble in hyperbole (see below), or, in the case of Mitch Albom and Rob Parker, just decide to make s--- up. You cannot phrase any of this in a way that is unique or original, because to you, the Spartans are a secondary assignment, but to the reader, it is primary content. And it shows.

Why else would Drew Sharp call the Spartans the worst two-loss team in the nation after Saturday's narrow win over a blundering Wisconsin team? Surely not because of stupid arbitrary things like facts!

(While far from the BEST two-loss team in the nation, how the Spartans can be considered worse than Northwestern, a two-loss team that lost to MSU as recently as last month, just points to something else. To me, it points to Drew Sharp's creepingly and patently insecure need to cultivate his contrarian status by proffering arbitrarily-determined inaccuracies, presumably for the sake of rankling people like me, but surely not to sell papers. He gets paid to watch sports for a living; he's not THAT inexplicably dense.)

Oh, but all in all, it points to the greater triumph: they're here because Michigan State is winning in whatever fashion, and everyone loves to cover a winner. And from a readership standpoint, the Detroit papers will never stop covering Michigan State athletics, so it's foolish to suggest they butt out.

I suppose I just don't understand what will make Mitch Albom or Rob Parker just conjure something up that never happened. (Granted, different versions of make-believe in the respective cases, but make-believe nonetheless.) Or what will make Drew Sharp elect to rag on the Spartans following a stirring win. Print sports commentary is dead, so it can't be for readership.

In short, the journalistic value of Michigan State sports exists and exceeds your scope of expertise in this matter. We do not need you to tell us how to support MSU; we are not asking for you to put the already-known into a context that is already considered. Kindly stay home and write books about Michigan athletics, get rich that way, and we'll all be OK. And piss on your hats.

End heartfelt-if-reactionary rant against Detroit columnists.

Reality check

Back to sports.

Hey! Holy cow! The Spartans are 8-2 and have thus already exceeded everyone's expectations and secured a security bowl game appearance - how lavish! - at the Capital One Bowl in Orlando. That's not bad as a fallback! All they need to do is beat Purdue this week and then - joy! - playing for a share of the conference title against Penn State in Happy Valley!

(It is here our author extends his thumb in the downward fashion, extends his tongue between his lips and makes a farting noise.)

Shove your scenarios in a sack, mister. Michigan State needs some major, major help from whatever the patron saint of football injuries is if they're going to make all the swell-sounding chatter come true. They rushed for 25 yards last week, their best receiver couldn't play, and the defense was pushed around with remarkable regularity.

Let's pray to the same pagan icon that Drew Sharp made his success blood oath with for all of this to go away next week. That said, I expect the Spartans to defeat Purdue 76-3.